Monday, July 29, 2013

101 things I learned from the Hardy Boys and Nancy Drew

I think my ribs broke with all the laughing I've done while reading this thing. It even made my sister laugh, and we have different opinions on everything (meaning she isn't that interested in the Hardy boys, unlike me)! No telling me that there are only one hundred points on here; I didn't write this (credits at the bottom of the post).
Be forewarned; I don't know how much of a sense of humor you guys have compared to me, but if you're more affected by humor than I am, I would advise that you have an ambulance stand by…

1. If you’re riding your motorcycles on a road that’s never used, with a cliff on one side and a sheer drop on the other hand, just as you come to a sharp turn in the road, a car will come barreling around on your side of the road.

2. If it’s midnight and it’s storming and your detective father isn’t home, don’t open the door!

3. Caves that have been known to have people walk in them for hundreds of years are not always as sturdy as they seem.

4. No matter how dangerous or how easy the camping trip is, your mother will always say ‘Be safe, dears!’

5. The person who gets scratched of the suspect list is always the one who did it!

6. When you’re caught, just ask the villain how he did it. He won’t be able to resist telling everything.

7. The person with the shifty eyes... he did it. Even if he has an alibi by three hundred people, somehow he did it.

8. If the room looks like it doesn’t have a floor... believe me, it doesn’t.

9. There’s always a way out of a bad situation, even if it involves cutting through your bonds with a key

10. Your boat will always run out of gas, by fair means or foul, just at the crucial part of the chase.

11. If a guy comes up to you, slapping a wrench, and says, "You should get out of here if you know what’s good for you." It’s a threat. I know it doesn’t look like it, but it is.

12. You are invincible. You will never be more than bruised or scraped.

13. Don’t worry, the big guys who look like they can crush you, they can’t. (Refer to #12)

14. Riding a horse and throwing a lasso to catch the bad guy is WAY easier than it seems.

15. The villains are stupid. Always. Their most brilliant plan involves capturing you, locking you up somewhere, and then letting you escape by throwing pea pods out a window.

16. The bad guys will never kill you right away, they always leave you to die.

17. Even if there is no possible motive for anything that’s happening, if it’s unusual, it’s a sinister plot.

18. If a native points to some figs and says ‘Poison’ then they’re probably poisonous.

19. The innocent little girl is always tougher than she looks.

20. If you’re in the desert in a race to find some gold, and you see a mirage that looks like a camel train... it really is a camel train. And it’s the bad guys.

21. Look for a trap in everything, but don’t expect to find it until you’ve been caught.

22. The seriously skinny acrobats can do a double flip and hit with their really bony feet. And it HURTS.

23. If a big object that should be inanimate moves whenever you do... then it’s being triggered by your motion and the bad guys already know you’re there.

24. If someone shows up more than three times in funny circumstances, then they’re really important. If they’re shifty-eyed, they’re the villain. If they’re a nice kid, then they’re an innocent accomplice to crime.

25. There is no gray. Only black and white. Let this be your mantra.

26. You shouldn’t hurt the bad guy, even if he was about to shoot you in the head. Justice must prevail!

27. If a salesman shows up at your best friend’s door and stays more than five minutes, they’re pumping him/her for information, and you shouldn’t do whatever he/she talked about with him.

28. If you’re very careful about walking into traps, nothing bad will happen...

29. You will find clues that are completely contradictory. Simply follow the one that seems most ridiculous, and you will solve the mystery.

30. Villains will come up and push you into the water while there are plenty of people around you to save you... and then do nothing when you’re all alone on a deserted night.

31. When you get hurt, there’s usually a haystack or an abandoned cabin nearby to recuperate in… Complete with firewood

32. When the bad guy comes up with a gun, and your first instinct is to tackle him, go ahead. The element of surprise in on your side.

33. The bad guy’s shots will always miss, because (refer to #12) you are invincible.

34. The bad guys are usually slower than you are, and if they’re not, then you are more agile.

35. Fifty henchmen cannot take you down.

36. Jumping off a train to rescue your friend won’t hurt you, because (refer to #12) you are invincible.

37. Yes, it is possible to find the villain in a place that he knows by heart, and you have never been before.

38. The person that you are sure did it is never the bad guy.

39. You always have a flashlight when you need it.

40. Conversely to #39, whenever you really, really need a flashlight, it will go out... be thou assured of that.

41. When your flashlight goes out, there are plenty of materials around to make a torch.

42. However, it is usually very windy, making it impossible to light the torch in #41. But you don’t need to see, what are bare feet for?

43. The bad guy knows who you are, and has already planned ahead for your demise.

44. However, he won’t be able to carry his plan out, since he’s really stupid (see #15) and you are invincible (#12).

45. Don’t worry, even if the plans never work, luck will pull you through.

46. Whenever you need to jump out of a plane, there is a parachute at your disposal.

47. Unfortunately, it sometimes doesn’t want to open.

48. Whenever you volunteer to stay behind with someone while your friends go on a roller coaster, someone is standing in the shadows waiting to kidnap you.

49. If someone isn’t planning to capture you, then something is definitely going to happen to you friends on the roller coaster.

50. If it goes shake. And shiver. Then it’s going to fall on your head! So you should probably run.

51. Even when in a life or death situation, you will have to remember your manners. Otherwise you will be scolded at dinner.

52. If you stay in a very old, very large mansion, expect to find a mystery or puzzle that some old guy with too much time on his hands concocted.

53. The person at the top of your suspect list is the person who is the most innocent.

54. When solving a case with a group of friends one or more of you will be kidnapped, being the only amateur detective on the case exempts you from kidnapping. Unless your boyfriend or other amateur detectives are working on the case with you then expect to be one of the kidnapped.

55. Even though you are in a seemingly committed relationship that does not exempt you from experiencing some sort of romance.

56. If you are female always expect a male to save you from a “life or death” situation.

57. Witty comebacks are always welcome distractions while facing off with an enemy.

58. Not only is it ok, but it is also perfectly acceptable for you to break and enter to search for clues.

59. You are always on the best of terms with the local police and are best friends with chief.

60. If you are solving a crime outside your hometown the police hate you, but you will eventually win them over with your awesome detective skills.

61. As an amateur detective you will have friends all over the world, and if they don’t know you personally, they know your father.

62. If you are on a date with your boyfriend/girlfriend, your date will always be interrupted.

63. Every vacation you take you will run into someone that needs your help. If you really wanted a vacation then you will interact with nobody outside your group.

64. While on vacation you or someone in your group will be hit on and that person will get you involved in a case.

65. Despite the many blows to the head you will receive, no need to go to the Dr., remember (refer to #12) you are invincible.

66. If the bad guys always know what you are up to, then your room is bugged.

67. If your room is not bugged then one of your new friends is one of the bad guys.

68. Despite the fact that you are only 18 years of age it is really easy to rent a car and get it in any make you want.

69. Even though you solve hundreds of crimes all over the world you never have to go to a single trial or have to do interviews with the press.

70. Secret passages that have been closed up for years never have to be aired out before traveling down them.

71. If your Aunt buys you belt buckles at a rummage sale, they’re a clue. Especially if they’re big, over-the-top silver ones.

72. It will always be school vacation or summer when there is a mystery to solve.

73. If your father is a private detective, you can get away with never going to school without being suspended or expelled.

74. Listen to your Aunt.

75. If you are traveling and have a mystery to solve somewhere, and meet a girl, it is probably Nancy Drew.

76. It is perfectly reasonable for 17 and 18 year olds to be familiar with all sorts of crime-busting tools and explosives although they never carry guns.

77. If you and your father are working two different cases at the same time, it will end up being the same one.

78. Your friends will always be there when you need them. If you and your siblings stick together, you can do anything.

79. You will always have money even though nobody ever pays you for your detective work.

80. If there’s a hired hand around, she/he did it.

81. Bad guys always miss you (#12), but always seem to hit the tires of your car.

82. Whenever the bad guy and his henchmen are chasing you after you escape, there is always a convertible with its keys in the car.

83. The convertible almost always belongs to one of the henchmen.

84. If the convertible doesn’t belong to one of the henchmen, then it belongs to someone important.

85. Even if you can’t drive go ahead and take it.

86. If you can drive the car will not start.

87. Or, it may not want to stop!

88. You can leap out of the door of a speeding car, roll over and stand up, ready to go into hiding because (see #12) you are invincible, remember?

89. Closets will hide you from police officers that are searching the building.

90. Your brother works out every morning and you stay in shape only by playing the occasional football game? You are so totally more athletic than him!

91. Everything is always locked.

92. Breaking and entering isn’t illegal when you’re an amateur detective.

93. Make it a rule NEVER to go into a mine shaft - even if it’s in good working order it will ALWAYS collapse on your head, trapping you and killing the bad guys. You will not be hurt badly, but it will be a while before you are rescued.

94. However, old, dilapidated mine carts will always be in working condition and will lead you straight out of the mine.

95. If you fall off a cliff, don’t worry - there is always a tiny tree to grab in the rocky slope. But your friends had better hurry to pull you up since it’s giving way inch by inch.

96. If it’s a mysterious package, it’s a bomb.

97. However, you always know how to defuse it. Even the newest models.

98. Every building on the planet has a secret passageway.

99. If you see a cave while picnicking in the woods, it’s probably the bad guy’s hideout. Or it leads to it. Or they’re storing something in it. …. Basically, it’s important!

100. Hold your breath as someone is tying you up and then relax when they are done. All the ropes will fall off.

Credits:

(fanfiction.net usernames unless otherwise specified.)

51. MissMe113

52-70. Jabba1

72-79, also 100. franknjoe

80. Skywalker05

82-87. Paul!

52 and 91. Arglefrumph on youtube. His vids are hilarious; you should check them out!
[Best Nancy Drew walkthroughs EVER! Man, I want some Nancy Drew games… They're cool; there's a slightly bigger story behind this, but that's not exactly relevant to this post].

93 and 95. KCS

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